i thought by now i’d be signing forms,
you know, purchase orders and stuff, approving new hires
looking at profit and loss and whatever
surely overseeing a vast empire of some sort

i’d be walking past people in the corridor
and like, i wouldn’t even know their name
not because i’m an ass
but because i have ten thousand employees

instead, i am nameless in a dull grey room
my domain about half a metre square
but i rule it with an iron fist
i insist all my pens are placed according to colour

when i get this way
i start to stray
when i get this down
i start to look around

time for another kiss
a dark compact under a blue sheet
time to grab some love and run fast
time to steal what i can steal

only later do i realise
you can’t steal what is freely given
i was only running with my own stuff
carrying it with me

General Manager

Scott was a General Manager but no one knew what he was the General Manager of and everyone was afraid to ask because one day Scott came home and put a plastic container in the refrigerator that was filled with a deep red liquid and then the next day it was gone

Marie was the bravest so she cut out articles about missing children and left on the coffee table where he would see them but he didn’t say anything about that so James tried to follow him to work but lost him in traffic near the big warehouses down by the river

they were in the lounge-room one day and Scott went pale and threw down the paper he was reading and rushed out of the house and Marie grabbed the paper to see what it said but it was only full of ads for running shoes so she told James they would follow him but by the time they got outside Scott’s car was gone and then the next morning his room was empty and his catapult was gone from the backyard too

it’s all a matter of density
fish think they’re flying
birds think they’re swimming
we’re the strange creatures on the bottom of their ocean

might there not be something denser
a fin that cleaves through dirt with ease
tentacles that swim and twist through a field
curious fish following cars down the highway

perhaps those earthquakes
are whale equivalents fighting
perhaps those mudslides
are just tides

as i clip the leash to little dog
begin to feel nervous
i’m imagining hooks and bait and burley
dragonflies sitting on water, unaware of the rising fish

we head out the front door
and he’s recklessly thudding his paws
trying to step lightly
next to this suicidal hairy lunatic

at the park we’re two among many
the logic of a school of sardines
the fat and the slow will probably go first
i let hairy mcCrazy off his leash

i’m not thinking about density or liquid earth
just throwing the ball and thudding around
kids are screaming and running
rippling the ground with their feet

sir madman sniffey tires
and i clip him up again
walk home and try not to think
think about a fin slicing the footpath

sardine logic is no help when you’ve left the school
the hairy lunatic is still thudding
i turn and see a horrifying lump in the road
just a speedbump

walking faster back to the house
yes it’s just a new speedbump
probably put in yesterday
don’t think about density

Super Monkey Group

The Blurting Beetles of Baloogo Loogo

Chapter 5

Written By

Mathew Ferguson

www.chaoticempire.com.au

mathew@chaoticempire.com.au

Chapter five

The black and white ligers were lounging over a pile of rocks in a sunlit clearing. Three were sleeping while one sat, drowsily staring out at them through the trees. It blinked and gave a large teeth-baring yawn before slumping back on the rock.

Tia made a slow “back back” hand signal and they started to step backwards. The sleepy liger sat up and watched them, like a house cat would watch a tin of tuna being opened. It gave a low growl and sniffed the air.

Tia signalled “don’t stop” as the liger stood up, stretched and jumped down from the rock. Another liger looked around and then lay down to sleep.

“Back across the gap if it attacks,” signed Max. They stepped back, the drop into the chasm behind them. They halted as the liger sniffed again and looked directly at them. With great deliberation, the liger lifted one giant paw and started licking it.

“Bath,” signed Po as the liger wiped the paw over its ears. Max pointed to the wrecked bridge and tree where Toran had crossed. They crept down, again with a huge drop on one side and the jungle on the other.

“Gotta remember to check the scanner. Way too close,” said Tia once they reached the tree. She checked it now and saw the ligers were still sitting in their clearing. The beetles were now three hundred metres away and there were no more large heat spots between them and the beach.

“We got to get those beetles back before he gets on The Gourmet. I doubt he’s going to fall for the voice replicator again,” said Max, leading the way.

They scrambled over fallen trees and dodged vines. But Toran was moving fast, too. As they slid under a huge blue moss-covered tree leaning across the path, Po ooked and pointed across to a clearing in the sun. It was the exploding yellow berry grove that had put the ligers on their tail.

“Yeah, we want to avoid,” said Max, climbing over another log.

“Tarook! Kabooomook!” said Po.

Tia stopped and grinned. “Maxa-millionaire has a plan!,” she said. She pulled her light jacket off and crept up to the bushes. Po and Max carefully approached as Tia picked the translucent berries from the bush and placed them in her jacket.

“Pick some over there,” she instructed. Max and Po sidled up to the bushes and started filling Max’s jacket with berries. Each time Max plucked a berry he clenched his eyes closed.

“How is this a plan exactly?” he said.

A shiver went through the bush as he spoke and he and Po held their breaths. The ripple quivered up and down before the bush settled.

“We’ll splat the berries on them and the ligers will come,” whispered Tia.

“What?” said Max.

The bush Po and Max were picking from started quivering and so did the one next to it. They backed up a few paces and hid behind a tree. Tia shook her head and plucked a final berry. She folded her jacket over the berries and walked over to them.

“You need to learn to keep your voice down around exploding berries,” said Tia with a smile.

“Sounds good but…” said Max, looking behind her. Tia turned around to see the bush they’d been picking from was now shaking, as were the ones near it. Tia raised her eyebrows and managed to communicate move now! They made it a few metres away before there was a splattering as the berries exploded. A cloud of yellow plumed up and was greeted with low yowl from the liger’s direction.

“Always with the chasing,” said Tia. They ran through the jungle, Tia and Max holding their cargo of exploding yellow berries as still as they could.

“We’ll splat them, ligers will chase them and they’ll drop the beetles,” panted Tia as they ran.

“Close, they’re close,” said Max, looking at his watch and ducking under a branch at the same time. Po shouted a warning and Max turned as one of Toran’s goons tackled him. They hit the ground together, rolling. Max managed to bounce up without his exploding berries hitting the ground.

“Watch out!” said Tia as the goon jumped up and leapt for Max as he threw a handful of berries. The splattering explosion knocked the goon back onto the ground, covering his face and neck with yellow goop.

“Behind you,” said Max and flung another handful of berries as Tia and Po dived to the ground. Hench and the other goon ducked so only a few berries hit their target.

“You kids, um, children, need to give up, not follow us,” said Hench as he stood up.

Toran and Foe appeared behind them, holding the boxes of beetles. “They’re already dead so give it up,” said Toran, shaking a box. Inside it the beetles bounced up and down without a sound. They were still, with their legs curled up, lifeless.

“You’re NOT taking them!” said Tia and Max together, flinging berries at the group. The berries hit in an explosion of yellow goop. Toran stumbled as bits of broken berries splattered into his eyes. He dropped the box, the lid snapping off and beetles scattering across the ground. A tremendous roar erupted nearby.

“Giant, um, big, very big cats, Dr Toran sir,” said Hench.

“Get the beetles,” said Tia and threw another handful of berries at Toran and his goons. They hit in another explosion of yellow, Max and Po leaping forward and grabbing two boxes from them. Foe dropped his box which cracked open on a log, beetles spilling across the ground.

“To The Gourmet,” said Toran, wiping his eyes clean as the ligers approached.

Tia, Max and Po bolted away down the hill toward the beach. Behind them the ligers roared again and they heard the crashing of branches and Toran shouting.

“Had … enough … running for today,” gasped Max as ran. They burst from the jungle, stumbling out onto the clean white sand. Po tripped and dropping his box of beetles. The lid snapped off and the most disgusting odour bullied its way into their noses.

“Urgh, old nappy mixed with dead snails and garbage bin juice,” gasped Tia, holding her nose closed. She tipped the box over, scattering beetles on the sand and saw a tiny piece of Bolliverger’s Old wedged into the bottom corner of the box. Once the box was empty of beetles, Tia flung it away.

“They’re not dead,” said Max as beetles started to twitch. Soon they were all moving around, making blurting sounds of inquiry.

“Tablllurpt, gapllurt ziblllurrtttp,” blurted Po to them, and pointed to the mountain peak.

Tia pulled the lid off Max’s box, blocking her nose against the cheese stench. She tipped the beetles out and flung the tub away. Soon the beetles were milling around and blurting to each other. They gave a final bllurrrpprt to Po and streamed up the beach and into the jungle.

“Horook,” said Po, waving to them.

“We’ll come back and clear concrete once we deal with Toran,” said Tia. They jogged along the beach until they found Traveller where they’d left it. As they were pushing it into the water, all three communicators activated.

“Hurry, we’re under attack!” said Cornelius.

They leapt into the boat and Max turned the electric motor up to full speed. Traveller cut through the water and in moments The Betserai came into view. As did The Gourmet and the catapult on its deck.

“There they are,” said Tia, pointing at the black boat cruising up behind The Gourmet.

They met The Betserai a minute later, automated clamps swinging down to grasp Traveller at each end. There was the whir of an electric motor and they zipped up to the deck, leaping out and landing with a crunch underfoot.

“What?” said Max, lifting his foot, fine white grains falling.

“It’s SUGAR!” said Cornelius from the onboard speakers. “They’re firing again, get under cover!”

A hiss of pressurised air from The Gourmet and the catapult swung its mighty arm and flung four giant bags across to burst on The Betserai’s deck. They managed to duck behind Traveller as white sugar covered everything.

“Why are they throwing sugar at us?” asked Max, as they stood up to see Toran appear on the deck, a yellow-splattered black-coated scarecrow.

“He’s lucky we’re not evil and carrying gunpowder so he has a severe allergic reaction,” said Tia, clenching her teeth as she spoke. Part of Toran’s file advised he was extremely allergic to gunpowder due to a snake bite he’d received years earlier. It was a lucky break stopping him being as absolutely evil and dangerous as he could be.

“Give me the beetles and I’ll let you go after I sink The Betsy Crybaby. You can go back to the island. Send the beetles now or you’ll get to meet some friends of mine,” said Toran, his voice echoing from a giant loudspeaker. He lifted a container and held it up.

Max took a photo for Cornelius. Inside the box was a mass of squirming multicoloured slugs.

“Slugs? What is he going to do with slugs?” said Tia.

Toran spoke over the speaker again. “This, you stupid children controlled by an agoraphobic fool, is the Sugar Slug of the Honeysuckle Peninsula. Let’s learn a few things about the sugar slug. First of all, it -”

Cornelius’ spoke from the speakers at a low volume so only they could hear it. “Load the Bolliverger’s Old into the dye cannon and hit their deck,” he said. “Those sugar slugs eat anything covered in sugar – including metal, wood and everything this boat is made of. They’re voracious and if he lands it here, you’ll be sinking. Go now!”

Po ran inside and Tia and Max moved over to the dye cannon as Toran droned on about how the sugar slug would reduce “The BetsyPooPants” to a floating mess if they didn’t give the beetles to him. They opened the cannon covering and removed the shell inside. It was filled with a brilliant green liquid that (as Cornelius had explained almost every time they’d used it) would permanently mark any ship used by poachers. The liquid was also filled with microscopic radio emitters and fragments containing encrypted code numbers. “Each capsule is unique,” said Max and Tia, mimicking what Cornelius said. Po appeared on deck carrying a triple sealed tube of Bolliverger’s Old. Even though the wood, plastic and steel they could smell the faint aroma of rotting meat, garbage tip mud and prawn shells left wrapped up in a plastic bag for weeks. Po unscrewed the steel end and pulled out the plastic shell. The stench intensified, Tia and Max covering their noses. Po unscrewed the plastic end and slid out the wood cylinder, the final case around the cheese.

“I think I’m going to puke,” said Max, turning green under his red dye and clutching the cannon.

“GIVE ME THE BEETLES RIGHT NOW OR I FIRE!” said Toran over the loudspeaker.

Po shoved the cylinder into the cannon and closed the cover, falling back and covering his nose. Holding her hand across her face, Tia hit the AUTOAIM button and got ready to hit FIRE. Electric motors whirred and the cannon moved about at it sought to lock on to a target. It was programmed with a basic intelligence so it could recognise ships and hit them with pinpoint accuracy. The cannon moved about and then settled down, NO TARGET displayed on the screen.

“Stupid shielding! Cover nose for me!”

Tia hit the manual targeting button and grabbed the two large handles on the cannon’s sides as Max clamped her nose shut for her. A crosshair popped up with a click.

“I really really really don’t feel so good,” groaned Max as the wafts of Bolliverger’s leaked from the cannon.

“Mff-ook,” said Po through his own blocked nose.

“And I’m sorry your nose is better than mine, I am,” said Max, his eyes closed and his face now a white sheet around the edges.

Over on The Gourmet, Toran was shouting and pointing at The Betserai. Tia saw Hench scurrying for the catapult, the container of sugar slugs in hand, as she lined up the deck.

“Let’s go puke cheese,” she said and hit the FIRE button. There was a burst of pressurised air and the cylinder shot from the cannon, flying in a perfect arc to explode on The Gourmet’s deck. Toran yelled and covered his nose as the crew dropped unconscious, Hench spilling over and falling on to the catapult with the container of sugar slugs under him.

The fire sprinklers on The Betserai switched on and cold water doused the deck, washing away the sugar.

“That was the button I was looking for,” said Cornelius over the speaker.

Max and Po flopped back on the deck as the water washed away the sugar and the Bolliverger’s smell dissipated. “One disgusting cheese,” said Max, his face returning to its normal colour (which at the moment was still bright red).

“Noculars,” said Tia, holding out her hand. Max handed his binoculars to her. On The Gourmet, Toran was shouting at an unconscious Hench.

“Oh no, looks like someone’s entire crew is out of it. And what’s this? He broke open the sugar slug container as he fell. I believe he did,” she commentated as Toran lifted Hench and dropped him before bolting inside the ship. There was a hole in The Gourmet’s deck. The sugar slugs had eaten their way through the catapult, the wooden deck and down below.

“Toran! You’ll never guess who are on their way,” said Cornelius through the speakers. “Seems you’ve been cutting down some very rare trees in South America. Some men from the navy would like to have a word with you!”

The outside screen changed to a map display. Shown was The Betserai, a circle where Cornelius had drawn The Gourmet and ten kilometres away an approaching fleet of navy vessels.

“Not over,” said Toran through the speakers and then The Gourmet lurched forward in the water, a huge plume of black smoke bursting out the back of it. As The Gourmet shot away from them at high speed, heading for the open sea, Toran appeared on deck and threw something overboard into the water.

“Should we follow?” said Max, trying to see what Toran had dumped.

The Betserai’s engines started and they drifted backwards. “Get inside right now!” called Cornelius. “He dropped the sugar slugs and they’re coming right for us!”

They ducked inside, Max slamming the door closed as the sprinklers outside switched up to high pressure mode. A flood of hot water sprayed over the ship, washing the last grains of sugar into the water. The sugar slugs swam through the water like serpents, twisting their bodies to propel themselves through the water. They circled in the pool of sugary water for a moment before spiralling toward them again.

“I’ve got an disgusting idea,” said Tia, pushing past Max and Po to go downstairs. “And it involves cheese again.” They rushed downstairs to the bait stores where they kept all manner of foods to lure the most reluctant animals. The safe for the Bolliverger’s Old was open and a filthy handkerchief scent hit them. “Gotta remember to close the safe Po man,” said Tia and pulled out the final canister of Bolliverger’s. Po gave an ook that roughly translated as “I’ll remember to do that the next time we’re being bombarded with a sugar catapult and are about to be eaten by slugs.”

“You’re not going to do what I think you’re going to do. Because we have to live on this ship and that smell won’t come out for weeks,” said Max as Tia led the way to the machinery room.

“I am and if we don’t want the sugar slugs to sink us then this is the plan,” she said, opening the cheese’s steel layer. They reached the water store that fed the onboard sprinklers and Max unscrewed the access panel. Over the water filter roaring as it sucked in seawater, purified it and then pumped it up to deck sprinklers, he said something about sailing on a “stinkboat for the rest of eternity”.

Tia pulled off the plastic covering and got ready to remove the wood. Po held her nose closed and Max held the access panel, ready to clamp it back in place. Tia wrenched off the container’s end and held it upside down over the hole in the tank. The stench filled the room in an instant as the cylinder of cheese slid out with a revolting squelching sound. As soon as it hit the water, Tia pulled her hands back and Max sealed it in. Tia dropped the wooden cylinder on the ground and they rushed from the room, slamming the door behind them.

A screen at the corridor’s end lit up and Cornelius appeared. “Great thinking!” he said and split the screen to show the sugar slugs swimming in circles as though they were dazed. He split the screen again and showed the putrid cheese infused water pouring over The Betserai. As a revolting smell began to leak down and they all covered their noses, Cornelius was clapping and chanting “success success SUCCESS!”

*

Three hours later they were resting on the beach of Baloogo Loogo while Cornelius pressure-cleaned the entire ship. The navy had come and gone, first of all sailing up and quickly backing away to a distance as the ship’s smell hit them. Via radio they explained to Cornelius the rare trees Toran had cut down in South America contained an extract with amazing properties: anything it was painted on because invisible to electronic devices.

“You’ll have to use your eyes and good old fashion gumption!” Cornelius had told them as they sailed away from the island, searching for The Gourmet.

Tia checked her watch, making sure the ligers were nowhere near them. “Back on the sunny rock,” she said.

Cornelius had managed to scoop up the sugar slugs from the water and seal them in a sugar free container. He’d nudged The Betserai close to them until they passed out from the smell. They were sleeping curled up together in a container next to Max.

Po put his feet up on the stack of sugar bags and gave a contented “ook”.

“That’s the plan, Po my man,” said Max, looking down at the container of sleeping slugs. “We sugar up the concrete, these little guys get to work and soon the blurting beetles will have their habitat back. Then we take the sugar slugs back to their home if Toran hasn’t destroyed it.”

“I think those are the beetles,” said Tia, showing them the screen of her watch. Past where they’d hit Toran with the exploding fruit a mass of red was moving towards the mountain top. Further up, the band of red goop was still simmering away at sixty degrees Celsius. “Those little guys can handle it after living in boiling mud,” said Tia.

“You know, I think Team Mega Monkey Awesome Laser is a good name for us. Seeing as we’re one of the few teams around that actually has a monkey in it and we do have lasers,” said Max.

Tia sighed. “I like Endangered Anything Rescue Squad.”

“Eorrok,” said Po with some finger language.

“If we’re called Super Monkey Group, won’t people think we’re all monkeys?” said Max.

“Graook?” said Po.

“There’s nothing wrong being a monkey but people will be disappointed when we turn up and we’re not all monkeys.”

Tia held out her watch, showing one of the mathematics functions – a random number generator usually used for code-breaking. “Everyone generates a random number and the highest number wins. That’s what we name the team, no arguments, no takebacks. Okay?”

Max and Po shrugged in agreement. As one they each hit START on their watches. Numbers started to flicker.

“TEAM YOU – OOPS WRONG BUTTON,” echoed Cornelius’ voice from the ship. A second later their watches switched to video mode, hiding the random generators. Cornelius appeared and he didn’t look good. His normally pale face was pure white. Against his bright tropical shirt it looked like he’d never return to his proper colour. He held a chunk of carved stone disc up to the screen. Faint writing was etched into the surface.

“A North Siberian Burrowing Pony dug … dug this up in their field a few hours ago. It was in the lab being cleaned during that business with Toran.”

“What does it say?” said Max as they squinted to read the writing. The screen zoomed in, the writing coming up in high detail, shaking with the trembling of Cornelius’ hands.

Max Tia Corn 1671 Golden Monkeys jum

Paris. Need return to gr

Love

“What is this meant to mean?” asked Tia.

Cornelius turned the disc so they could see the top edge of it. “I’ve already tested its age and it was carved well over three hundred years ago,” he said and zoomed in on the disc top.

The writing was worn but still readable:

Sarah Michael Claire Joseph

“The Parents,” whispered Max.

“I don’t understand,” said Tia.

The screen zoomed out to show Cornelius sitting at the control panel. His colour had started to return. He gulped from a large glass of fruit juice and took a deep breath.

“When there was that explosion while your parents were trying to protect Po’s troupe of golden monkeys, I assumed Toran had …” He paused and took a halting breath before continuing. “He’d killed them. But now this, buried on Sanctuary. I don’t think they’re dead. I think they’re …”

“Dislocated,” finished Tia.

“In 1671,” said Max.

Cornelius held the disc up again and turned it over to the back side. Carved into the stone was:

5

“There are more,” he said.

There were three quiet beeps as the random number generators finished.

Po gave a soft ook as they stared out at The Betserai floating on the perfectly clear water.

“The Parents,” said Max.

“Alive,” said Tia.

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

The Blurting Beetles of Baloogo Loogo free eBook download

lovva lovva lava
pouring down the road
lovva lovva sumo
to lift up this load

look inside
where you occupy
your own space

in here, with me
trenches, guns, barbed wire
an unclimbable spire

in you, with you
fields of flowers, bridges, helpful guides
so easy to pass inside

but come look inside me
the army will lay down
i am disarmed.

http://www.mininova.org/tor/2435989

Super Monkey Group has been downloaded 921 times via this torrent. Torrents rock!

so i burnt down the pub
sundered the swimming pool
leaving wet chlorine grass sparkling in the day

so i cut up the flag
crushed the supermarket
leaving strewn cans and vegetables wasted in the sun

so i wrecked the town
scraped the dirt over the remains
what else do you request of me?

Men have such kindness, such gentleness in them, such love and beauty that often is hidden away from the world. It is only men who see the heart of other men, who see their suffering, who see them pine away. It is men who have such generosity in them, to give their money and time to women to whom they shall have no children. To give it, even though it gets them nothing.

It is men who hurt and love and are raw and whom are viewed as beasts who do not think.

But we do think and we do love and we do feel so deeply it drives us crazy.